Sylv3ster Stall0ne Won’t Work With T0m Hanks: “He Weirds Me 0ut”

Sylvester Stallone has a long and storied career as an actor, writer, producer, and director. In nearly four decades, however, there’s one thing he says you find on his resume, and that’s anything involving Tom Hanks.

“He weirds me out,” said Stallone, “He’s a creepy-looking guy, especially up close. I’ve shaken his hand a few times. He’s just…blech.”

Sly says there have been plenty of opportunities, but he backed out of all of them. He was offered the role of the big guard in The Green Mile, as well as Wilson in Castaway before they decided to go with the volleyball.

“I would have done way better than Danson in Saving Private Ryan,” said the Rocky Star, “But I just couldn’t do it.”

Stallone offered no reason why he gets creeped out by one of America’s most beloved celebrities, so we can only assume it’s because of the accusations from right-wing circles that he eats children with the likes of Jeffrey Epstein and All the Senate Democrats.

“That’s pretty likely,” said Correspondster , “They have a really weird obsession with Tom Hanks. It all started with a Q-Anon post about Epstein that nobody can corroborate. As far as we can tell, he may or may not be responsible for assassinating the real JFK in 2004.”

That may seem unlikely because it likely is, but that doesn’t mean as Americans we shouldn’t stay vigilant. God Bless America.

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Erlin Haland

With years of experience in crafting clever and satirical pieces, Erlin has made a name for himself as one of the funniest and sharpest writers in the industry. Although his true identity remains a mystery, what is clear is that Erlin has a knack for finding the absurdity in everyday situations and turning them into laugh-out-loud funny stories. He has a unique perspective on the world and is always on the lookout for the next big target to skewer with his biting wit. When he’s not writing hilarious articles for, Erlin enjoys playing practical jokes on his friends and family, watching stand-up comedy, and rooting for his favorite sports teams. He also has a soft spot for animals, particularly his mischievous cat, who often inspires his comedic material.

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